Filtered thoughts

Why it’s hard to speak freely 

Speaking freely isn’t hard because I lack thoughts. It’s hard because I understand impact.

There’s a concept called Death of the Author which means that once a piece of work is created (like a book, song, or film) , the creator’s intention no longer controls its meaning. The audience’s interpretation does.

The same applies to speech. Once I speak, my intent becomes secondary. If someone interprets my words as harmful, I can feel pressured to:

• Apologise 
• Justify myself, or
• Accept the label of being the bad guy

And there is only so much that explaining myself achieves. So this is one of the reasons why every thought of mine gets screened before it’s spoken.

I want to mitigate the chances of my words being interpreted wrongly & make sure it doesn’t offend anyone. To ensure that what I say, lands correctly. In the same way luggage goes through airport security before leaving the country. If my thoughts go through its own security check, I can ensure there’s no danger to wherever it’s landing. Only ‘safe’ thoughts make it through. But unfortunately, this ruins my ability to be controversial. It ruins my very individuality. 

But the fear of offending someone isn’t the only reason I screen. 

Another reason is because people tend to hold you to your past, harmful or not. Meaning that things that you say; especially if bold; creates an expectation for future interactions. Fixing you into an identity. 

I am sure we’ve all heard the phrase “what goes on the internet stays on the internet”. The same goes with real life interaction. Some people will treat you as though you stand by everything you’ve said in the past. Whether it’s good or bad. Whether it’s an interest or goal. Whether it’s simply how you felt in the moment or not. Whether it’s something you didn’t understand at the time. 

The reality is that most of our thoughts are still developing. We are still trying to figure things out ourselves. So why is it that our words are usually treated as the end of our thought process; rather than an active medium of thinking. That whatever we say is permanently what we represent.

It is why people fear releasing an unfinished product. An unfinished opinion. Now bearing the risk of forever being tied down to it. And who wants to be tied down to something they haven’t committed to. To thoughts they haven’t concluded.  

A lot of our opinions are fragile, and open to change. Most of us can think completely differently about something in the space of a week, a day, or a minute. But society doesn’t operate that way. We are always one word away from a new label. Something that will now be associated with our identity.

I, for one, struggle to go deeply into politics for this very reason. I will be expected to die on a hill of whatever opinion I have, or once had, and all the rage that comes with it. And yet, no one has all the answers. The truth is, we don’t know. There are very few things I am willing to wear a permanent label for.

So most people will only say something they have full faith in. Only saying what they’re willing to live by. In this way, if a label is attached to them, at least it’s something they genuinely stand by. 

The last reason I screen my thoughts is to prevent selfishness or a power imbalance within a dynamic. If I were to constantly speak without a filter, and say everything independent of someone else’s judgement or thoughts; then their values, needs and viewpoints would not be respected. There’s also the matter of how often someone speaks. I am usually a listener. 

For example, I find it difficult to inject myself into group discussions because it feels like I am disrupting the flow of the conversation. So I wait for the right time or an ‘opening’.  But when a conversation is centered around my opinion, then it is much easier to speak. There’s no wrong time because it’s literally centred around me speaking. 

Healthy dynamics need to accommodate both needs. Extreme independence makes another’s presence unnecessary and almost invalidates their existence. If someone doesn’t feel they need to be there, they’ll end up walking away. 

So sure, I want to be myself, but I also want them to be here. They deserve to feel seen. I don’t want my freedom of speech to suffocate another. So the solution is finding the right balance between thinking independently, whilst also providing others opportunities to engage. My ability to speak will always be shaped by the person I am speaking to. And that’s okay. 

Oh, and don’t even get me started on shame and insecurity. My dear fear of being judged.

When am I willing to speak without filter? 

When it won’t cost me. Where I am not in debt for what I did or said. Where it can exist as though it never happened. 

If I have to justify, it’s not freedom, it’s contingent.