Joy

Enjoy it because you enjoy it 

We’ve all heard about delayed gratification right? To discipline yourself, and find joy in the pursuit of a healthy goal. Don’t treat yourself with some donuts, it’ll damage your teeth, it’ll ruin your diet. Don’t sit and watch that show, you should be working on your side hustle. Don’t scroll on social media, you could be meditating instead. Everything you do, should be in pursuit of a wider goal right? 

But for me, gratification doesn’t seem to be delayed. It just doesn’t arrive at all. I am always disciplining myself for a better tomorrow, whilst suffering today. But tomorrow never comes. To live a life accepting everything you dislike while denying the only things you enjoy. Sometimes that feels like a stronger self sabotage, than self sabotage. I remember quitting sugar almost entirely for years; and then feeling so much shame when I first indulged again. I am not proposing I abandon my own discipline, just the idea that joy should only be experienced on a ladder; or at its top. 

If it’s not something dangerous or toxic, sometimes it’s better to allow yourself to enjoy something, simply because it’s something you enjoy. And that’s very rare. To enjoy something and have the ability to partake in that joy is a blessing. That’s why they call it treating yourself. Life isn’t treating you, people aren’t treating you. In a world like that, your joys become sacred. They’re yours. 

I’ve held myself out for the future for so long that I’ve realised , I’ve never enjoyed the now, and I may never enjoy the now.  And even worse, all these pursuits I abandoned my current self for have greeted me with pain.  At least when you treat yourself, you can make sure the food gets in your mouth. You can ensure you get something out of it. Prioritising now is just a way of guaranteeing your efforts aren’t wasted. Some may call that the easy way out. But why should every moment of joy need to be behind 20 years of labour?

I found these reactors of one of my favourite shows. And for the first time in a long time, nothing else mattered. When I watched those reactions, I enjoyed them for the sake of joy. It wasn’t part of some wider plan, it wasn’t monetarily beneficial, it wasn’t part of some self improvement scheme. It was enjoyable simply because I enjoyed it. And sometimes these were 2 hour reactions, yet I could watch it without any guilt. No thought of “wasting time” or anything like that. It brought me back to my days as a child, where you know, we could just do something for the sake of doing it. Sometimes the moment is enough of a reason. To live in the moment, for the moment. It was beautiful. When is the end result now…

that is joy.