Addictions & emotional dependency
Written by TYYYY
“The act of destroying yourself can feel like an act of sustaining yourself.”
It’s like being homeless
And everyday a chef shows up, offering you a freshly cooked meal which smells delicious, looks delicious or tastes delicious. Except you’re told the food is poisonous.
So everyday the chef shows up, you have to reject the meal.
Every single day
No matter how hungry you are
No matter if it’s the only meal you can get
Until you are physically starving
Or emotionally starving
To which at that point, your brain pleads for your own survival
It says “we need it, we’re suffering without it, please don’t let us suffer”
And then…
Even though you know it’s poisonous
Even though you may be harming your own mind or body
You cave in
Because at least it’s there
At least it’s there
If you can just make it to the next day, then you’ll find a healthier way
Right?
It is a twisted form of self help. A flawed form of self help. That which isn’t considering the long term effect; because the stress, the pain, the sadness is already there right now.
The journey of stress regulation
Too much stress and we give up
For many, their addiction is the fuel that keeps them going through life
Even if unhappily
It is as though a moment of air in a life of drowning, even though it’s really the anchor
You’re sinking anyways, so what’s the difference?
Right?
When so many people, places, environments drown one with stress, they may cling tightly to the one thing that seems to release it.
And so this is what can create that toxic relationship that is an addiction. Like poisonous food to an empty stomach.
Behind many addicts lies a pure desire. To feel peace, to feel alive, to feel seen, to feel loved, whatever it may be. For an addiction, for a lot of people is a coping mechanism for something deeper. To account for something missing from their life. Though it’s never enough. Nor is it what they truly want. And that’s why the moment it happens, and reality hits, they feel worse than ever before. It is the pure desire that attracts you, not the toxic reality. You must remember you’re trapped by the idealisation of it. Most addictions just create a mask of what you truly want. Because you never actually retrieve the reality you desire deep down.
But that doesn’t stop you from trying again. It always feels like it’ll be the last time, because it’s as though you’re promised, one more time is all you need. This false sense of control. Again and again, you’re lured up the stairs and promised satisfaction at the top. But you never reach it. There is no top. The desire drives you to take the steps, but the desire is never at the top. You just manipulate yourself, seduce yourself, sabotage yourself, shame yourself. Meanwhile, you’re tripping over the same step over and over again. It’s just disrespectful. The devil is truly cunning. And the worst part is? He convinces you it was all your fault. He makes you hate yourself enough that nothing uplifts you except…doing it again.
Even though it’s not optimal, and in the right circumstances, you’d never look in that direction, the moment you lose faith in your ability to find a healthier alternative, you may allow yourself to take whatever you can get.
Some people don’t know any other way. They’ve been desensitised to every other way. They don’t believe in their own capacity to be fulfilled anymore. The solution is the problem.
And they already know that. But their brains may try to hold onto it like a lifeboat, if they feel they’ll sink without it. Or they feel they’d sink either way. Without their stress release to keep swimming.
Right?
“To the cinema he goes”
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