The Nature of Submission

In my opinion, submission comes in two forms. Fear and trust.

Submission out of fear is the more obvious one. You’re simply scared of what someone will do if you don’t bend to their will. So, you submit.

When you’re threatened by your parent, or your boss, you will submit out of fear. You may not believe in their way of doing things, but you’re too afraid to resist.

Submission out of trust is the more important one. It’s when you bend to someone’s will because you trust it’ll lead to something good. Trust that they’ll lead you to something beneficial. Even if you can’t comprehend how they’ll get you from point A to B. 

Whenever you’re on a plane you’re trusting your life in the pilots’ hands. When you’re in the passenger seat of a car, you’re trusting your life in the drivers’ hands. You’re able to let go, because you trust their ability to take you somewhere. In this case, your destination! 

This form of submission can’t exist without faith in the other person. When you have faith in the other person, you accept you don’t need to understand everything before you let go. You trust you’re in good hands. Even when you don’t have all the answers, even when things don’t make sense, you’re able to submit because you have faith in their ability to guide you. 

When you go to the doctor, and they’re holding something to inject you with; you submit to them out of trust. Even if you fear the very thing they’re doing, you don’t actually fear them. 

Even those who willingly submit sexually, do so because they trust their partner’s ability to take them somewhere good. A submissive person isn’t a selfless person who has no regard for their own pleasure or benefit. It’s someone who finds benefit in another’s control. That if they follow their lead, and do as they say, It’ll lead them to something good. 

The reality is, a lot of people actually love to submit. They would love to give up their control. Because limiting freedom can actually be extremely freeing. 

If we were to look at the plane example, the one who isn’t flying the plane has no burden of responsibility. They don’t have to think. Sure, they may worry, but they’re not really expected to do anything once the plane is off the ground. They can just let go. For most people, the most stressful part of going to another country is all the airport shenanigans. 

In other words, one benefit of not being in control is offloading the stress of being in control. Removing our burden of responsibility can act as a moment of release from our everyday struggles of holding everything together. 

For a lot of people, life itself can feel like a burden they’re carrying. After all, the cost of living is far more than a financial cost. We pay emotionally, physically, mentally. We constantly exhaust ourselves in pursuit of a lifestyle that makes it easier to live; a process that can make some want to die. But we do it anyway. Because letting go of our responsibilities and commitments will often be a threat to our survival. If we don’t eat, we die. If we don’t have the money to buy food we die; if we don’t have a job to get the money to buy the food we die. If we don’t have the qualifications to get the job to get the money to get the food to eat, we die.  We do our best to hold everything together, even when it becomes the causation of our own suffering. Work the job we hate, eat the food we may dislike. 

We have to be strong, keep fighting and push through. Because if you don’t do it, who will? 

And that’s really what it all comes down to. A lot of people don’t have anyone to fall back on, or anyone to lift them up if they fall. If they go down, the ship sinks. And this only breeds the type of person who is attached to control and afraid of failure. One that cannot afford to let go as their life depends on themselves. They must function dominantly to stay ahead of things and reduce uncertainty. All whilst wishing, they could just let go; save their energy and not have to worry about the ship sinking. To not always have their hands on the wheel. A break! 

Something as simple as taking a rest day when sick and allowing someone to take care of them, can feel more relieving than being healthy and doing every piece of work themselves. 

The nature of submission is the desire to let go. Many will relish at an opportunity to shut their brain off and not have to think. Even for a moment. Because being an active participant of life is very draining.

So though there exists this notion that no one wants to submit anymore, that no one wants to be led, it’s completely false. Deep down, many people want to submit. Most people would love to let go. But the threat is losing their stability, their control. And that’s where things begin to fall apart. 

People want a dynamic whereby the car doesn’t stop when they let go of the wheel. To have a driver that can take that responsibility and take them to an even better destination than they had imagined. 

I mean we’ve all heard the idea of a ‘passenger princess’. A passenger princess isn’t exclusive to someone who can’t drive. It’s someone who prefers to let someone else. Why? Because in the passenger seat, you don’t have to think. You can just enjoy the journey. Furthermore, people don’t always submit because they are incapable, they submit because it’s exhausting to always have to be capable.

And this extends to many relationship dynamics. If you think about the rise of feminism for example, women have been working hard for centuries to finally get in the position that they are now. To be able to get those jobs, get those rights, vote and so many opportunities that were closed on them. They’re not suddenly going to give up their power and their control, for someone who doesn’t know how to drive; literally and metaphorically. Even though the new found responsibilities have cost them a lot of energy, and created a lot of stress, if giving up control means trusting you, why should they?  A woman will have a very specific destination in mind, and needs to trust that they can let go knowing the pieces they’ve been building won’t fall because of you. 

Furthermore, for example, women who desire a wealthier man, don’t necessarily do so because they cannot afford their own lifestyle. 

In fact, there are many very high earning women, who still desire a wealthier man, or at the very least, one just as successful. 

For the same reason being that they have spent years or decades of energy and stress taking care of everything. Tackling obstacle after obstacle. Building their way through life. So when choosing a man, she needs to be able to trust that the ship won’t sink the moment her hands are off the wheel. It’s not that she can’t drive. It’s that no matter how capable someone is, there is an innate desire for rest. An innate desire to let go and switch their brain off. For their own success is just as exhausting as it is exhilarating. 

Some people desire a space where they don’t always have to be on high alert, a space where they don’t have to do all the heavy lifting. Someone they can fight alongside, and also just be extremely vulnerable around. And other people genuinely prefer to do everything alone. 

This desire is more about the symbolic value, than the monetary value. The fundamental desire is simply to be with someone who knows what they’re doing. And that money is only one thing that signals that; stability.