Cleoso

Step 1 is portfolio 

I just want to put it out there

I want people to recognise my work 

To have extra space, extra breathing room 

Where my soul gets released from 

Actually me; the good, the bad and the ugly 

There is this duality of not wanting to say anything but having so much to say. Wanting to be heard, but not wanting to waste my breath. If I was a fictional character, I’d be among my favourites. It’s unfortunate my mistakes are real. I want to put my story out there; to have proof that it happened, that it existed perhaps. That I existed. A story that never came to light , but still touched someone through the darkness. I just feel that as many components I have to damage a soul, I have to help a soul. And I don’t want to go to waste. Perhaps this is why people get so obsessed with finding their true potential. To not fulfill their potential is to waste their own existence. That’s how it can feel. And sure, that’s toxic, but it’s also a recognition of their own dormant value. That they have more to contribute to the world. They’re just misaligned. Now putting pressure on themselves to find it, directionless until they find it, empty at the thought of not finding it. Or maybe this is all just projection.

Well, I give up on finding it. I’m in no rush. Idk what medium it’s supposed to be in. I just want to get this out. Even if it’s as raw as my own mind. Just get it out. Like a scientist who’s yet to find the cure, still releasing their research. I hope those who come across it, take something from it. What? I don’t know. I would just feel it’s a waste to have knowledge, or have anything and not share it. In public settings I move like a ghost, I don’t bring attention to myself. I don’t want to be perceived or judged. But the inside is different. The inside is so rich when you take a large enough bite. I know I can make a difference to the world I’m not yet satisfied with, to the person I’m not yet satisfied with. Me.  And I want to try. I don’t want to be a waste. Someone who had it, but kept it in his head, as though it never happened. I’d be nothing more than a tragedy. A what if? Which is the saddest aspect of a tragedy. I know it’s valuable. Even if it’s yet to bring me, or anyone, any value. 

When I see people in comment sections or just making videos passionate about the life of a person i.e Michael Jackson or Kurt Cobain , defending them as though they’re their kin, fighting for them, believing in them, trying to bring justice to their name and story. Or just really appreciating them. Those who learn all the facts there are to know. Who wish they could speak to them. I want to be like that for someone. 

I struggle to share my work, interests or opinions

I think like artists, it’s because I don’t want my brain to get too tied to their reactions as opposed to the art itself. My inside is a safe zone, once it’s breached I won’t be able to think about it without thinking about their opinion of it. It’ll no longer be my space with my independent thoughts. It’ll have their finger prints, and I’ll always notice someone’s finger prints on a painting I love. It’s not a matter of how clean their hands are. 

Which is why I don’t share my music. It’s not a case of negative feedback. Even if I share a song with someone I like, and they say “that song reminds me of this song” or they comment on a certain part; I’ll now think of them when hearing that part. I’ll now think of that other song when hearing this song. I can’t stop the mind from forming links. And I’d rather swim freely. 

Once something is shared, it’s no longer mine. And it may not be treated with the same care as I gave it. Look what happened to neverland. To taint its purity. The latest headline. 

So if my thoughts are shared, and I can no longer think without the company of others’ reactions, I’d have to stop thinking. 

And right now my internal thoughts are the only thing I love, or perhaps even have. But I am not infinite, if I’m the only one who has it, it’ll die with me. And there you have the waste. 

If I’m gonna wear a mask, why not customise it? If I don’t want to talk, if I don’t find it easy to speak; then I’d like to have something that can speak for me. Something that will represent me well. Not necessarily pretty, but valuable.

“I couldn’t agree more. Just start. You’re human and it’s ok to work towards things and practice. You can do it publicly or in private, but don’t hide your journey just because you think people want perfection. Who cares what people want and perfection is for God, not us.”

NAJE