No one is social

90% of people play black in Chess (no, this is not about chess).  If you’re not familiar with chess, it’s a strategic board game where you each take turns to maneuver a set of pieces until someone wins. It is usually the white pieces vs the black pieces. 

The reason I mention it is because, in a chess game, the player with the white pieces always starts first. The black piece can never initiate the match. No this isn’t about race either.

But as the black sheep, I have noticed a parallel between chess and social interactions. And that’s that 90% of people play black in the social game of connection! 90% of people wait for the other to start the conversation, to make the first move, to offer friendship. Regardless of one’s social skills, most people are more comfortable responding and being passive than leading. 

It’s very easy to believe everyone is social but you. Especially when everyone around you seems to have friends, or make new friends so easily. You blink, and you see another group of people side by side, while you walk alone. Days, months, years can go by without any real interactions. But, that’s exactly my point. 

If everyone else was as social as we thought they were, would it even be possible for the anti-social people not to have friends? Or not to have positive interactions? Like how many times have you sat on a bus or a bench, and someone has sat next to you offering a conversation? Personally, never. How many times have you been in a class and someone invited you to a party? How many times has someone knocked on your door saying they’re new to the area and wanted to be friends. The fact that it’s so easy to self isolate in this generation suggests that everyone else can’t be as social as we thought. If everyone was a social butterfly except you, then you’d have been dragged into enough social interactions that you’d end up making friends. 

Now I know the contrary. There are definitely people who’ve been bombarded with social opportunities, and are friendless because they deny them all or simply struggle to connect with others. There are avoidants out there, who won’t be consistent. There are your introverts. There are also others who suffer from crippling anxiety, or are neurodivergent, disabled, through no fault of their own. So you may acknowledge those who aren’t as social because their comfort is very necessary to functioning. 

However, that still doesn’t make everyone else social. Because even the majority of people who are considered social only socialise with those they’re already comfortable with. For example, If you’re someone that goes to college, you likely come across at least 50 people a day. At least. Sure if you haven’t offered a conversation with any of them, then you may consider yourself antisocial, but in the same breath, if 100 people have come across you and not one said a word, how can you consider them social? Really, the distance between an anti-social person and a sociable person isn’t that much. 

The majority of social people are social enough not to feel isolated. But not generally social. 

There was even a time I walked into a room, and said goodmorning to someone – silence – then their friend walked in and did the same thing “oh goodmorning” they replied. People aren’t that social fr, they’re just comfortable. So honestly, if you at least try, or have tried in the past, you’re doing much better than you think.

Most of us want to talk to our type of people, or the type of people we like, the type of people that make us comfortable. It’s just harder for some people to find. And those who find them, stop looking. So you’re left with those whose door isn’t open for anyone else, and those who haven’t found their house yet. Sometimes, that’s all it is. No one’s the bad guy and no one’s inferior.

“The title is being dramatic”